That gaze

Oh what a gaze. What a gaze. As if it saw right through you. As if there where no secrets. Nothing could hide from that gaze. As if that gaze saw precisely everything. Those eyes seemed to see everything.

How could they be so piercing?

Hidden and lost

I realized today that I sleep a lot better now since we came back from the Philippines. But also I've realized more things which are more or less sad. Sad truths about how things really are. Mostly about me. Now I'm wondering, has these things just been suppressed earlier or is it something new. My analysis says that it's maybe a bit of both.

I really need to change these things. And when I think about it I am quite clear about what needs to be done. Now the challenge is getting those things done. But I worry about the success of my plans. If they really will make things better or if they'll only make things worse. Things can go both ways. I just have too little faith in that course of action. Don't really believe it will change for the better. Which hinders me from taking that course of action. But we'll have to see. It still feels as though that is supposed to be done. This is a situation when logic and intuition conflicts with each other.

I myself have to make certain changes and I know what they are. It seems to me as though I have lost a part of myself and I need to retrieve it once again. There is a part of me that's hidden which I miss. And I'm sure others do to. At least there are some people who do.

Complications

There always is something going on. Usually more than one thing at a time. Is it not personal directly someone close to you is hurting which makes it personal. People hurt each other. Say things they don't mean. Say things which makes one worry. Being gone really erased these memories. Let me live life more or less without all these things in my mind. Where I could focus solely on what conserned only myself and those involved. I wasn't bothered by the problems of my near and dear. As if a great weight was lifted. Soon after coming home I once again realized that things are not all okay here. There are so many big problems going on.

Why is everything so complicated? Really, what's the big deal. Why do people screw things up all the time like this (including myself). It's so unnecessary! If we only were capable of being more honest with each other. Wouldn't things move more smoothely? I mean if people knew what was what, could they not make a wiser decision than to run around in circles in the desert looking for answers which they know won't be found yet still continuing to run around? Sometimes I get sick of seeing it happen right in front of me.

What probably hurts the most is to look at the people you know being those people. Those keeping the answers away from people. So that the others all run around lost together with no idea. How could they do such things. I mean it's down right cruel and still they do it. Why? People who've always been considered by me to be good people.

Makes me wonder. Do people keep this useful kind of information secret from me aswell? Are people as dishonest with me as they are with others? I guess what we all need to do is to look inside of ourselves and look at the truth. Look at what we're really doing to others, how unfair we really are with each other.

There are always complications, many of which are completely unnecessary.

Back to Finland

I can't really say that I'm that thrilled being back. I can't say much has changed. People are all the same, nothing seems to have happened while I was gone. I can already feel myself falling into the same routines as earlier. To the same state of mind and the same person looking for solitude.

Weekend has come and I don't really know what to do. I'm already bored again. Nothing to do really. People are all going home or are busy with other things. It's kind of sad when you think about it.

The Word and the Image

In my state of thought a word was spoken to me as I was shown an image. The image was very unclear yet I understood exactly what it was representing. The message was so clear.

I took some time off today so I could put myself into it and realize what it all was about, here in my solitude. As I thought of these things which I had seen I started to wonder. Was the message really that clear in the end? Some alternative meanings presented themselves and once again I had a dilemma. Which of these things did this mean? Was it all of these things which the word and image represented. Was the word and image even related?

What did it mean I was meant to do? Should I do something special? Along my thoughts I saw a face of a sad familiar face. Is this person related to what I had seen.

I still feel as though I haven't quite grasped the answer to what needs to be done. At least I'm aware of the investment that needs to be made. Certain attitudes must still also change from many parts.

How does one accomplish such change?