So I suppose it's about time to write a new post. It's been a while. I haven't just felt like I've had anything to say.
When I got the apology I was a bit surprised. I didn't know how to react. I still don't. Looking back to the event I think that maybe it was good with an apology, though I don't know how else things could have been done. It's not a very big thing but I appreciate the gesture. To me it speaks of something deeper. I admire the character I see.
There is a lot of good I can see. I can't help but to be bothered by the unease I feel every now and then. I know this unease is only a reflection of the deep insecurity. A deep deep scar from the past. I've noticed every now and then the subtle flashes of emotions that are rooted in history. I am bothered by the fact that I'm still affected by what happened. It's easy to forgive and forget, it's not always so easy to follow it through. I can forgive, but how could I ever forget?
My dreams reveal the resentment I carry. I await that day when I will be confronted by it. Will I keep my cool or will my emotions get the better of me once again? Will I ever get the closure I need to move on? Perhaps not. Frankly I don't think things will be good ever again. It's a two way stream and I'm sure that I can't expect anything. Of course people can change, but I have seen no indications that anything will change.
I am no longer the same closed up person I once was. Two years ago I would never have shared what I talked about last sunday. I can see how I am a lot more able to help people now and make more of a difference.
Thank you!
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