With this new factor I couldn't possibly do anything other than worry. I don't know at all what's going to happen and I can in no possible way help. I've already lost a person which once was important and now this. Will this ever end? Could I ever find that window so I could crawl out of this hole. Is there any way out of this continuous feeling of melancholy? How many more drawbacks and hatches are there going to be before I can restore myself?
When will I be able to restore myself? Why haven't I been able? I have some reasons, some people I could put the blame on. But is it really their fault? Does their presence really mean all that much in this whole thing? I'm thinking they have a difference. But still the main problem is yet to be discovered. Maybe I've discovered it and now I've realized this: Life doesn't get any easier. Life won't get any better. I'm cursed with this and there's no cure. There's no way out. For there is no one who could help me heal. There is no one who could help me recover. There is no one there for me.
I believe no one is evil. Just that they haven't the strength nor the energy to help me with this process. They are too much in need of help themselves to be able to help me with my state. I understand why, but still I believe all that's needed is a little willpower. But sometimes my mind wonders of with the thought " What if nobody really cares enough?". The red bubbly moisture jumps back at me at night revealing my fears and doubts. Asking what if nobody wants to care. What if there's nobody who would care. What if everybody hates. With these thoughts in mind who could possibly sleep well? Who could truly enjoy life when everyday go through the same things. Having their fears and doubts presented to them. Getting up every morning with the feelings of the previous nightmare lingering over them. Taking a whole day to recover from them. But being reminded.
The funny thing is that this red bubbly moisture, which bubbles around in my head, often has many strange but true things to say to me. He tells me what's going on. He tells me what I'm feeling when I myself can't identify it. He has told me many wise things. Given me ideas which have led to success. Told me what is going on even though I haven't wanted to believe it. But it has always turned out to be true. Even though the odds have been against him, he has mostly had right in what he's said. Most of the things he tells me turn out to be true. Even before I myself realize that it is through.
He tells me my recent feeling have clouded my mind. That I have become the slave of over which I once was master. The reason for this is that the three pillars which sustain life have been attacked. Even the one which was the strongest of them all was attacked and nearly destroyed completely. As the others where attacked the focused strikes laid on the main pillar costed me dearly. My dear little red friend tells me that this has happened and is the reason for my current doubt. That this is the reason for my current weakness. That this is something I must be dealt with. That I need to focus my energy in rebuilding these three pillars. And this time with the new experiences build them stronger and more sturdy for the next time it shall not falter in the line of attacks that the future holds. This time certain barricades which are specially designed for this now known enemy. For when this has become more of a reality than a thought I can go on with my life and leave the past behind and start anew which was my plan from the very beginning of the end.
Still I feel the need of support. Some way to get all the way to the top. Tools to build. And help.
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