Thought

So I saw today another attempt. But the thing is, I kind of liked the way things were. I had gotten use to them. Had meant to let things go and just not care anymore. This just seems like more trouble changing things from what they were. I had already accepted that there would be no change. That it would be the future. I was already comfortable with it. To tell the truth I had liked the distance that had been between us. For I had started putting distance myself. And therefore it had become something that I wanted.

Maybe this change in behaviour pattern is a result of the sudden "I don't want things to be like this anymore". I know that this change that is taking place is one which I do not want anymore. I want to close this chapter of my life and burn the book. Start anew. But this is only dragging out this chapter. But what to do now? I know I want to leave it all. But the other part doesn't seem to want me to. Why is that? This is a question on constant repeat. My red bubbly friend keeps asking me "Why do you think this has to drag on?". I still have this feeling of that the reason is simply a selfish one. That it has more to do with not wanting to take the consequenses of their actions. Should I comply or should I take my own path and leave it behind? What would be best? What is the right thing to do. Somehow I feel as though I already know the answer but just haven't gotten around to telling myself.

I have this strong urge to call it all off. To just say how I dislike this situation and for how much too long it's been going on and that I figure I would feel a lot better if I just got to leave it all. That it isn't even close to being worth it. That this person isn't worth the effort. But those are things I rather not say for they would probably be more hurtful than anything else. But how healthy is it to bottle up these thoughts and emotions? In my experience it hasn't exactly helped me. Mostly it's been causing me more pain than anything else. But this time I feel a strangely strong urge to cut all ties. I really wonder why. I probably should look into it but, I haven't a care left. I just want an end. An end to it all.