Disgust

I can really put words on my disgust. It seems as though there isn't going to be a turning point to this. It is exactly as I expected. For the other part never took the contact and didn't try. A few "hi"s here and there but nothing more. This only tells me that this other person doesn't care. Doesn't care enough to try if the care is there at all. To think all that trouble was in vain. That waiting it out to give another chance was useless. There was no real difference. I would have liked to see that it wasn't all in vain. That the conversation we had that time actually made a difference. But not really. Things never really changed. But I'm probably the one to blame for this as well. I know my actions haven't really encouraged this change to take place. So I understand that things can't be that east either. But still if it was to any importance some effort would be put into it so that it could happen. I would like this to take place still. I'm still waiting for something more than a simple "hi" as to invite me to make change. For that would surely lead to me doing everything by myself again. For it is always I who has to make the effort.

But due to recent happenings I haven't had the energy to do anything about it. For I have been in a deep worry. But I feel as though the reason to worry is steadily decreasing. I needn't worry about this any more for that particular area seems stable. I never thought that this event would have such an impact on me. I don't think I ever realized how much it really mattered. How much I really cared. But now that this worry seems to be out of my way I am ready to go on and build everything again.

I have found a happiness. One of these things that produce happiness. One of these nice aspects which makes life more pleasant. Nothing really serious. Something which is more playful. A aspect of life which I've kind of been without these past months. A way to play. A way to make life nicer, more enjoyable. A way to make life more interesting in a completely different way. I enjoy this company. Still I feel I need to be careful. Something is at risk, maybe. I still have to have a few answers to some questions. But I wouldn't want to ask for I fear the answers would compel me to change these habits which have been good. But still I understand if the answers would lead to the same thing. For I suspect if the turned I would too dislike the same behaviour. But this is still something that needs taking care of. I just need more time before I can properly take care of this.

I was recently surprised that certain things that were said was taken seriously. Though we both understood that it was clearly a joke. But the effort made to actually buy me roses made me happy. I didn't expect it though I didn't find it all too odd either. For of what I've seen I could quite easily have thought of it as a possibility. But still I found it quite nice that I actually got a rose even though I was joking about expecting to get one on our last encounter. People really do have the capacity to make another happy with all these small things. I just wish I experienced them more. I do get similar fun things but not in the same way. I guess it was just that exact way that made it so fun.

Over all I can sum it up with I seem to be recovering this everything. By my opinion I should be here where I am a lot earlier but, better late than never. Things are looking up!