sad but true

This whole ordeal started of with a simple event. As many ordeals do. That short moment turned everything around. Everything changed. I cannot in any way deny how bad and wrong it felt. It triggered everything I've so hard tried to suppress. All these negative feelings, thoughts, insecurities coming back to the surface to haunt me once again. This not only effects me as I would wish, but those in my surroundings too. Directly having an impact on that which is most precious to me.

Since that moment I haven't been able to help but to feel uneasy about everything. A deep unsettling feeling about everything going on. Not being able to think clearly. I feel as though I'm losing control of everything again. Falling back to where I was. All the effort put into it, all in vain ?

This just breaks me beyond my understanding. How can these things make such an impact on me always ? There's no logic to it. Am I just too broken to keep from feeling this way for any lent of time ? So it would seem, what a depressing thought. This morning I felt as though everything was okay, but as the day progressed I once again got smacked right in the face of just that feeling. And not only that, a short exchange of words just made everything just that extra bit worse. But that was my fault. I should of seen it coming as it always does. Too bad it never takes root in any other way than the worst possible.

I really do hate myself at times like these…