This is a time in life where I feel the absolute most alive, yet it is also the time in which I think most about death. I have many times thought of different scenarios where I meet the end of this life. Dreams have made me wonder if I'm up for a big change. I wonder if my own little world might shift sometime soon.
Last night as I lay awake in thought i wondered: "Am I capable of happiness?". I've always experienced this small doses of happiness at different points in life when something specific has happened. When I go through my everyday life I feel as though the concept of happiness is so unfamiliar, as if it were something that simply didn't fit in to it. Now this doesn't mean I'm especially unhappy. It just means that I don't really concider happiness to be all that important in my life. I am, on the other hand, keen on other peoples happiness. I want others to be happy.
The feeling of love is foreign to me as well. I do not wish it to be that way, but yet it is. Some times I wonder if I'd be better of giving up on love. What stops me from giving it up is the knowledge of what I might become if I left it behind me. Loving gives me too much, loving gives others too much and that would all disappear. That I do not want.
No comments:
Post a Comment