The Philippines

So here I am, in the Philippines, in the heat. Much has happened. I've seen a completely new world out here. People who think completely differently from how we do. I haven't really gotten too close to to people here. I haven't really felt like getting to know them.. It's not that it's anything wrong with them but I just prefer to keep my distance and a bit more to myself. Even in the team I keep a bit to myself. I'm not really a part of the team, I'm just there with them.

Here I'm not treated like the others. People would go like "hey, americanos" to the others but they wouldn't really care about me. So I feel quite left out. But what can I do? Being brown has it's consequences.

I don't quite know how to react to the fact that people around me seem to have little faith in me. How some may "panic" at the thought of teaming up with me when going out and doing missionary work. I don't understand how it could be so dangerous? But I guess I'm just not that trustworthy in peoples eyes.

I really feel the need to speak with someone but I don't know who that would be. I don't know the team well enough to share my thoughts with them.

Some people are so locked down in their own way of doing things they leave no place for change. And when others do differently they get irritated. What's the big deal?

I'm surprised at the level of complaining and the number of insignificant thing there seems to be to complain about. No wonder people in scandinavia are so depressed. If everyone complains about everything all the time of course there's no room for happiness. I think the world needs to lighten up. Why complain about every little thing that isn't comfortable. I feel this is one of the big reasons people are sad and miserable. Because they focus on everything that's wrong. Compared to here I feel people should just keep quiet about all of their endless problems and think more about others. Is it not in others we find happiness in the end? People are so self-centered.

But I guess it's only me who tries to be optimistic, or so it seems anyway. Anyone out there to prove me wrong? (it's not a rhetorical question, it's meant to be answered)

I've seen things happen that I've never before witnessed. People regaining hearing after we've prayed for them. Since we came here I've felt this strange energy from within me. An energy which I can only describe as white. When I close my eyes and focus on it I imagine it. I see how this white essence flow through people and driving away the darkness within. It's really an experience.

I know that when I come home my problems will still be there waiting for me. I don't think anything will have changed after this holiday. I expect to come home to the same situations. The thing is I still don't know what to do, I have yet to be enlightened. How does one solve a problem such as this? It would be easier if people were willing to listen and act. All they seem to do is listen, if even that. I have no influence there.

It's hard keeping relationships alive. I mean those that really have a difference in life. I have to say my relationships have more or less died out. Where in the world will I find the motivation to revive them and then keep them alive? It would surely be something I would have to to by my self. Like most things. People aren't really there for me. So it's hard for me keeping them close. I'm still always there for them, in hope there will be a change. But I'm doubtful. I'm not that important. People won't do anything for me, why would they?

Also there's no telling people about my feeling since they only get hurt by the fact you don't completely like everything they do and that you think they're doing things that only hurt themselves and others around them. Most of these people can't take such feedback. I feel like I'm not able to be honest so it's better if I say nothing at all.

Now how's that for existence?