Strangled

I can't help but to feel this force, wrapped around my heart, squeezing me tightly. I feel immobilized. As if I were bound in a coffin. The life within seems so far away at the moment. More and more it feels unfamiliar. As if it no longer belongs to me. Gasping for air but can't feel the life force returning. I feel like I'm blacking out and my own efforts alone can't keep me conscious, but who will be there to revive me from my weakened state? Will there be anyone at all? I feel like I'm drifting through life alone with people by my side. What a contradictory feeling. Being alone with people by one's side.

Ridiculous. What an unnecessary thing. Why should one feel this way? I know there is no reason for feeling this blue, but I can't help it. I know and have identified the problem, but still that hasn't really helped me.

I wonder if people really care. I don't see anyone trying to change this state in which I currently find myself. As if a hug here and there would make a difference. What I want is to be understood. People don't understand me. I think it's because they don't really try. I doubt there would be anyone who would do anything just for me.

You could just call this seasonal depression, but the spring is coming and daylight is there and yet I feel this way. I don't feel like I can trust people. I "know" they'll just let me down for I have found that people tend to do so. I am sad that this has to be the reality I'm in. I run and hide whenever I get the chance. I don't expect anyone to search for me and no one does. I disappear and reappear and I wonder if anyone even noticed. They do notice, but I wonder: "Do they really care?".

The truth can sometimes be hard to handle. I can't say I feel very successful in life. I'm rather bad at it. Sure, I'll survive, but I won't ever be alive if this continues. In these three areas of life I feel I've just failed. I've tired and have not succeeded. I've looked and not found. I've been inadequate. Judging by my success rate, I can't say I'm very successful.

I'm ashamed of myself.