The Pride of my Youth

The thing that came up for me the other day is the way I've been limited by the things I used to say. I look back and can't help but to cringe at the pride in those words. I look at how I felt like I can't really change the way I was changing because I was becoming a different person to who I was when I uttered those words. The older I got the more I understood the foolishness of those words and how I need to stop limiting myself based on who I was and embrace who I am.

I'm not at all where I used to be. My life is no longer covered in darkness. I have a brand new outlook on life and I am so much happier because of it. At first I didn't want to admit that I had changed even though it was becoming increasingly apparent. 

I have found a new life

Nostalgia

In an instant things went back to the way they used to be. I was pleasantly surprised. It had been years I just didn't want to let go. Will things ever go back to the way they were or was this just a one time thing? Who knows? I don't

Entering a new family

There's so much going on in my head I don't really know what to write. One thing is for certain is that it's not as easy as I had anticipated. Knowing that your contribution is very important and you haven't yet quite grasped what's expected of you. As I stood in the kitchen looking around me processing everything a strong emotion approached me. I looked at the drawing on the fridge and tried to understand. My heart was filled with sorrow. It broke my heart. The drawing tells a tale of what has transpired. 

I've only been here for a few days and already I've taken in so much, learned so much, thought about so much. I just want to snap my fingers and make it all go away. I just want to remove all the stress. It feels like the most essential thing just isn't as present as it should be, but I can tell that it's there. It's just that the situation is tight. I want to be better. I want to do more. I want to help.

I can't help but to think about others people in this same situation. How do they handle it? Knowing how common it is makes a scary reality. I don't get how people do it. Also it's a reminder of why we see the things we see.

I'm just wondering if I actually can make a difference or not. Am I going to be of help or will I end up being more of a burden? Of course I can make a difference! That's why I'm here. I'm here to help. At the same time I realise I can't do it by myself. Thankfully I'm not alone either.

A New Beginning

I guess you could say life is quite exciting at the moment. Everything is new and it's a lot to take in. It's no problem though. It won't take long till I'm settled in. I'm looking forward to exploring. I'm looking forward to going into these deep discussions. I'm looking forward to making a difference. I feel called. I know this is where I need to be right now. My mission. I will learn a lot. I am grateful.

An Unfamiliar Sense of Welcome

It's something strange. I can't say I've ever really experienced it before. It's refreshing. Never before have I ever been in a place that has made me feel so much at home. It really is amazing. Being rootless I have never really known what it feels like to be home. I get a sense of acceptance that's different from that of friends, something that goes deeper. Suddenly the whole concept of family gets a deeper meaning. For years I never had what I see others have, only now can I get a proper taste of what it's like. Things aren't perfect but they are what they need to be. 

It's hard to put words on the love I feel. Sometimes it feels like you can't truly express those really intense emotions. You always feel like there's more you could do. You keep on doing everything you can but still there's more you can do. But that's the beauty of it, you are never really finished. There's always more to do and what you've already done is always enough. 

It's interesting how you can basically go anywhere and still find brothers and sisters. The fellowship seems to have no boundaries. That's the way it's supposed to be. We aren't limited by borders. The genuine love expressed to strangers, but they're never really strangers for they are our brothers and sisters. It's amazing being a part of such a family. 

Despite the whirlpool of emotions there's peace at the center of it all.

The Promise

The train brought me back, back to something I felt becoming relevant again. Somehow it seemed like that's what it all meant. I don't care about the circumstances. A promise has been made. There's nothing to fear. 

Look up, I'm safe.

Cycles

Upon the realisation that the end draws near I started to think about what I am about to leave behind me. All those hours those things have been on my mind. Thinking of different ways to build and trying to apply those thoughts, keeping in mind what reality looked like. 

Once again I feel like I'm being thrown into the unknown. Only this time things are different. A lot is different now. A lot has changed, within and around me. Life has taken a lot of unexpected turns. Even though I was expecting the unexpected I still found myself surprised. Words cannot describe what I have experienced. 

Naturally I have my questions and thoughts about the future but the truth is, it's all beyond my control. 

It's amazing how it works. Suddenly I just saw it. I saw the need and I went here. As I closed in on the need I felt it. I could feel exactly how it felt all throughout my body. I fell to my knees and it overwhelmed me for a moment or two. I got the attention and moved on. Hopefully seeds were planted.