Boredom.

Boredom is one of the emotions I wish I wouldn't feel as often as I have in the past. There's nothing that really drains away the meaning of life like the feeling of boredom. Everybody I've tried to contact or plan something with has either had other plans or aren't in the neighbourhood. So that leaves me totally unoccupied… Sadly. This feels kind of depressing. Always writing these gloomy blogs never having anything positive to say. But that's the real reason I have a blog in the first place. To try to get it out of my system and try to be a bit more positive in real life. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't.

But anyways here comes the good news. I'm starting to move forward with my life. It's not at that same standstill it has been for a while. Feels like I've acended to a new level of understanding. Which is quite good actually. Just the kind of change I need to see.

Other aspects of life are looking up as well. It's been a while since this occured last. But maybe it's about time to take on the challenge once again with another "opponent". Don't really know if "Opponent" is the right word for it but in a sense it's exacly right. Or maybe it's just my twisted mind which makes the word a possibility. Since I've always experienced it in such a manner. But I'm sure others have experienced it in the same way ? Or maybe it's just me being strange about it.
Well the only thing we can to now is wait and see and hope for the absolute best outcome possible.

Rejection...

Rejection is a powerful thing. It's very painful. To others and to oneself. Did you know you know that by rejecting someone in your life, you are subconsciously rejecting yourself ? You are subconsciously rejecting a part of yourself... And the feeling of rejection is painful.... For everyone... No one is truly happy when they're rejected. Both parts are constantly haunted by this feeling of unhappiness and has a void inside. Usually this void is one that doesn't show its face but lurks just outside of your conscious eye-sight so that you feel its presence but you can't pinpoint it location or exactly what it is. Having felt this for a long time not understanding has made me a depressed personality. Only recently i realized this, a pity really. Having felt like this so long not even understanding it. To think I had to have a stranger tell me what was the reason i felt the way i did.

Forgiving is something one needs to do quickly or else the chances are that unhappiness will come out of hiding and bury you deep.

Everyday you learn more and more.

See I started pondering again as I listened to this lad. He spoke of a problem I seem to have. As I listened to what he had to say. I realized that this is my problem, the void inside, the reasons to my imperfect life. Ofcourse one cannot have a perfect life but everyone can have the right grounds to having a perfect life. What I mean is if you have everything emotionall right, then you have what it takes to be completely happy. And your man started telling me from where you get this "perfection" or what you may call it. And I started to understand why I've had this feeling of emptyness. Why I have this void deep inside me which doesn't seem to be able to fill with anything. I now know what I must fill it with. I now understand why and how this void was created. Since there was this cruicial element in childhood that I never received.

So what I need to do to truly fill this hole I need to go get just that is to go and make it happen. Go back and get it. Which in my case might be quite awkvard but it'll probably do more good than bad. Or at least I hope.

Everyday you learn more and more..

Vaasa

I'll be moving to Vasa today. Quite exciting actually, looking forward to it. It's not far away so I'll be able to come home for the weekends if I choose to do so. Now I only have to hope for to get a apartment of my own. I sent the school a request but I never received any reply. But sure IF I get stuck with someone weirder than me then it'll probably not to hard to move in with someone else. But then again any room mate I might get could just as well see me as being to weird to live with. Which I would understand since I could never stand living with another me. I need a bit of personal space and when that is interrupted I tend to seek out a corner where I practically bury myself an that would mean that nothing in my life would really change since that is the exact way I live here at home only that it's a room and not a corner. A big reason for my moving away from home is to avoid this state of mind since it clearly doesn't really help me in any way.

Wish me luck !

Life is looking up for me. I'm really starting to become happy in a stable way. More reliable than before and therefore much more secure. Happiness that will stay. I Gotta Feeling ! real nice actually.

Then there's the bad news. I woke up of the phone ringing, got up and picked up the phone. My granny was on the other side of the line with some not too good news. My auntie had collapsed in the shower today and was in the hospital. The doctors say the suspect a stroke which wouldn't be to good at all. But we'll have to wait and see. Hope they are wrong and that everything is going to be all right.

life as it (regretably) is now

Life as it is now is meaningless, slow, empty and mostly boring. Adding all these facts together into one you get miserable. And miserable is nothing but bad. You get nothing out of it but more misery because when your miserable you're most likely pessimistic about most things since your life sucks anyways, those "special" moments occur less frequently resulting in loss of fate. These emotions lead to depression which will only amplify these negative feelings and make the positive ones more or less, Fade away.

So what should you do when this happens to you ?

Well the most obvious thing is to do something about it ! I guess you reading this would have already figured it out.

Step 1 . Find the source of these negative emotions.

Step 2. Find a way to deal with the source.

Step 3. Take care of it

See I know what to do about it but if I haven't fully cleared step 1 and can't find any way of clearing it, what should I do then ?

I've spoken to friends, I couldn't See any psychologists since my experience with them haven't fixed anything but only been able to amplify the pain of the situation. It's like when being serious the one that's supposedly suppose to help you, Laughs in your face like if I was making a joke. I know I'm not like others and relatively weird but for someone to act in such a manner... Why the hell would I want that ? It's not like if I'm here because I'm miserable but does she really need to make me more miserable implying that my life is a joke.

Maybe it has the psychologist that I met who wasn't too good but she absolutely ruled psychologists out of the question which is a bad thing.

My friends either don't care enough to help me find to what the problem really is. Or they're simply unable to help. Which is quite sad in many ways. So what I do and have always done subconsciously caring and not only helping but occasionally fix or find the solution for their problems and hope someone will return the favour. Which is quite stupid cause people just say thanks and leave not really seeing the tortured soul behind the eagerness to help and fix any problems there may be. I guess it's only that obvious in my head.

When after noticing this I've been wondering. Do I only really care about other people and their problems because deep down I just want someone to care about me ? Horrible really if you think about it.

But this, all of this needs to change for the better. I think that it's maybe gone so far that I need to "kill myself" in order to fix the grounds for this depressing way of thought and living making life a blessing instead of a curse. Spreading some positive light. Writing blogs that aren't depressing like these that I recently wrote. Closing this already to long chapter of my life.

But since I'll be moving I'll hopefully meet some new and intresting people which will be helping out this "rehabilitation" of mine.

So for the next time i write a blog It'll most likely be more cheer ful. I hope anyways.